The Illusion of Control: Cultivating Internal Security
In a world where we constantly seek control, security, and validation from others, it’s easy to get trapped in a cycle of obsession, anxiety, and fear. Whether it’s within relationships, careers, or daily decision-making, many of us spend a considerable amount of time scanning our environment for reassurance—hoping for something or someone to make us feel whole, to fill the gaps left by past wounds. Yet, what if the security we long for isn't external? What if it’s something we can cultivate internally, within ourselves?
Adapted from BaratzThe Origins of Fear and Anxiety
For many people, the deep-seated fear of abandonment, rejection, or inadequacy stems from early experiences of powerlessness. As children, we rely entirely on our caregivers for everything—love, safety, nourishment. When these essential needs aren’t met consistently, we develop coping mechanisms: hypervigilance, obsessiveness, or a constant need to control our surroundings. While these strategies may have helped us survive during childhood, they often carry over into adulthood, manifesting as anxious attachment to people, situations, and outcomes.
These emotional scars form the basis of our need for external validation. We search for comfort outside ourselves, believing that others hold the key to making us feel safe and valued. However, the constant search for reassurance can quickly become an exhausting, self-defeating cycle.
Romantic Relationships and Emotional Triggers
This pattern is often most pronounced in romantic relationships. When a partner becomes distant, cold, or avoidant, it can feel like a reawakening of old wounds. We spiral into obsessive thoughts, replaying every conversation and interaction, searching for clues as to what went wrong. The mind races with anxious questions: "Are they pulling away? Will they leave me? What can I do to make them stay?"
This relentless cycle offers no peace, only more anxiety. Ironically, the more we attempt to control or fix the situation, the more we inadvertently push away the very intimacy we crave.
The Illusion of Control
The harder we try to control our relationships and outcomes, the more fragile they become. The truth we often avoid is simple: control is an illusion. No matter how carefully we analyze someone’s behavior or try to mold situations to our liking, we can never truly control other people’s actions or guarantee a specific outcome. The more tightly we grip, the more everything seems to slip through our fingers.
Cultivating Inner Security
The real challenge is not in finding the perfect partner or making decisions that will protect us from heartbreak. The real work lies in learning how to create our own sense of security. It’s about realizing that our power doesn’t come from controlling others; it comes from controlling how we respond to the world around us. We have the ability to ground ourselves, even when everything feels chaotic and uncertain.
This shift in perspective is not easy. It requires us to confront the roots of our anxiety and the origins of our obsessive need for reassurance. Many times, this means revisiting childhood experiences where we learned—directly or indirectly—that we were powerless or unworthy of consistent care and attention. These formative experiences create deeply ingrained patterns that are difficult to break, especially when they resurface in our adult relationships.
The Power of Awareness
The goal is not to “fix” the past or even to fix ourselves. The goal is to cultivate awareness of our patterns, noticing when we are falling into old habits of fear and anxiety, and gently reminding ourselves that we are not children anymore. We are no longer powerless. We now have the ability to care for ourselves in ways that others may not have been able to when we were younger.
This is not about dismissing the pain of difficult relationships or accepting mistreatment. Rather, it’s an invitation to start with self-reflection. Instead of asking, "What can I do to make them love me?" we should ask ourselves, "How can I love and support myself in this moment?" Instead of obsessing over whether a partner will stay or leave, we should focus on whether we are showing up for ourselves with the same level of care and attention that we seek from others.
The Balance Between External Validation and Inner Strength
External validation and support from others are certainly important. As social creatures, healthy relationships can profoundly enhance our well-being. However, when we place our entire sense of worth or security in the hands of others, we set ourselves up for inevitable disappointment. Even the most loving and supportive partners will have moments when they cannot meet all of our needs. Life itself, with all its unpredictability, will challenge our desire for control.
The only true constant is ourselves—our ability to ground, self-soothe, and nurture a sense of security from within. This does not mean shutting ourselves off from others or becoming emotionally isolated. Rather, it involves developing the capacity to hold ourselves through uncertainty, to find peace even when life feels unsettled.
Shifting the Focus from External to Internal
In a world that often encourages us to seek validation and approval from external sources, this internal work can feel radical. We are conditioned to believe that the right partner, the right career, or the right set of circumstances will finally make us feel “enough.” But true security comes from a deep, quiet confidence that no matter what happens externally, we can handle it. We can navigate the ups and downs of life without losing our sense of self-worth.
A Lifelong Practice of Self-Awareness
This journey of cultivating internal security is not about achieving a state of perfect calm or never feeling anxious again. Rather, it is a lifelong practice of becoming more aware of when we are spiraling into old fears and anxieties, recognizing the root of these feelings, and consciously choosing to respond differently. It is about learning to trust ourselves, even when the ground feels shaky.
Conclusion: Trusting Ourselves
In the end, the path to true security is not found in controlling our environment or the people in our lives. It is found in cultivating a deep trust in ourselves—a belief that, no matter what happens, we have the strength, resilience, and wisdom to carry ourselves through. This type of security is something that no one else can provide; it is something we must give to ourselves.
Self-Reflection Questions
What early experiences shaped my need for control or external validation?
How do I typically respond when I feel insecure in relationships? Are these responses rooted in old patterns?
In what ways do I seek reassurance from others? How might I begin cultivating that reassurance within myself?
When I feel anxious or fearful about a relationship or situation, what grounding practices can I use to find a sense of inner calm?
How can I begin to shift my focus from trying to control others to caring for myself in moments of uncertainty?
What would it look like to trust myself, even when I feel unsure or vulnerable? How can I practice this in my daily life?
