The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a biblical metaphor of the end times. Relationship therapist John Gottman identified four communication styles that likely predict a relationship is troubled. Below are some adapted excerpts from the Gottman Institute.

The first horseman is criticism. Distinguishing between offering a critique or voicing a complaint and criticizing your partner is crucial. The latter attacks your partner personally, rather than addressing specific issues. Criticism strikes at the core of their character, essentially dismantling their entire being.

It's important to differentiate between expressing a complaint and criticizing:

Complaint: "I felt scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed to do that for each other."

Criticism: "You never consider how your actions affect others. You're not forgetful; you're just selfish. You never think of anyone but yourself! You never think of me!"

If you find that criticism is prevalent in your relationship, it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. However, criticism can pave the way for other destructive behaviors. It leaves the recipient feeling attacked, rejected, and hurt, often leading to an escalating pattern where criticism recurs more frequently and intensely, eventually breeding contempt.

What is the remedy?

A "Gentle Start-up"

A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, but criticism attacks a person’s very character. The antidote for criticism is to complain without blame by using a "soft start-up." Avoid saying “you,” which can indicate blame, and instead talk about your feelings using “I” statements and express what you need in a positive way.

To put it simply, think of these two things to formulate your soft start-up: What do I feel? What do I need?

Criticism: “You always talk about yourself. Why are you always so selfish?”

Antidote: “I’m feeling left out of our talk tonight and I need to vent. Can we please talk about my day?”

Notice that the antidote starts with “I feel,” leads into “I need,” and then respectfully asks to fulfill that need. There’s no blame or criticism, which prevents the discussion from escalating into an argument.

The second horseman is contempt. When we communicate from this state, we are genuinely cruel—we treat others disrespectfully, use sarcasm to mock them, ridicule, call them names, and employ negative body language like eye-rolling or scoffing. Contempt makes the recipient feel despised and worthless.

Contempt surpasses mere criticism. While criticism assaults the character of your partner, contempt assumes a stance of moral superiority:

“You’re ‘tired?’ Spare me. I’ve been managing the kids all day, scrambling to keep this household running, and all you do when you get home is collapse on that couch like a child and waste time on those mindless video games. I don’t have the energy to deal with another child. Could you possibly be more pathetic?”

The Gottman Institute's Research indicates that couples who show contempt towards each other are more susceptible to contagious illnesses (such as colds or flu) due to weakened immune systems! Contempt is fueled by longstanding negative feelings towards the partner, which erupt when the perpetrator attacks from a perceived position of superiority.

Gottman believes that Contempt is the strongest predictor of the end of a relationship.

What is the remedy?

Build a Culture of Appreciation and Respect

Contempt manifests in statements that convey moral superiority. Examples include sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. Contempt is harmful and demoralizing, and it is the strongest predictor of divorce, making it imperative to avoid at all costs.

The antidote to contempt involves cultivating a culture of appreciation and respect within your relationship. There are several ways to achieve this. One effective approach is embracing the principle of "Small Things Often": regularly showing appreciation, gratitude, affection, and respect for your partner fosters a positive outlook that mitigates negative emotions. The more positivity you cultivate, the less likely contemptuous feelings or expressions will arise.

Another strategy is understanding the 5:1 "magic ratio" of positive to negative interactions essential for relationship success. By maintaining five or more positive interactions for every negative one, you continuously build emotional equity in your relationship, ensuring it stays healthy.

Contempt: "You forgot to load the dishwasher again? Ugh. You are so incredibly lazy." (Rolls eyes.)

Antidote: "I understand things have been busy lately, but could you please remember to load the dishwasher when I work late? It would really help me out."

This antidote is effective because it begins with empathy and understanding. By acknowledging external factors and refraining from making contemptuous remarks or assuming moral superiority, this approach respectfully makes a request. Importantly, it concludes with a statement of appreciation, reinforcing positive communication and mutual respect.

The third horseman is defensiveness, often triggered as a response to criticism. Defensiveness is a common reaction when relationships face challenges. Feeling unfairly accused, we tend to search for excuses and position ourselves as innocent victims in hopes that our partner will relent.

Unfortunately, this defensive strategy rarely succeeds. Our excuses signal to our partner that we don’t take their concerns seriously and refuse to take responsibility for our actions:

Question: "Did you call Tom and Joe to let them know we're not coming tonight as you promised this morning?" Defensive response: "I was too busy today. You know how packed my schedule was. Why didn't you handle it?"

In this response, not only does the partner become defensive, but they also shift blame to the other in an attempt to deflect responsibility. Instead, a non-defensive approach involves accepting responsibility, acknowledging mistakes, and showing understanding of the partner’s viewpoint:

"Oops, I forgot. I should have asked you this morning to handle it since I knew my day would be hectic. That's my mistake. Let me call them right away."

While it’s natural to defend oneself when feeling stressed or under attack, this defensive stance rarely achieves the desired outcome. Instead, it tends to escalate conflicts if the criticizing partner does not back down or apologize. Defensiveness essentially blames the partner, hindering healthy conflict resolution.

What is the remedy?

Taking Responsibility

Defensiveness manifests as self-protection through righteous indignation or claiming victimhood to fend off perceived attacks. Many people resort to defensiveness when criticized, yet it never aids in resolving the underlying issue.

Defensiveness essentially shifts blame onto your partner, suggesting, "The problem isn't me, it's you." Consequently, issues remain unresolved, and conflicts often intensify. The remedy lies in taking responsibility, even if only for a portion of the conflict.

Defensiveness: "It’s not my fault that we’re going to be late. It’s your fault since you always get dressed at the last second."

Antidote: "I don’t like being late, but you’re right. We don’t always have to leave so early. I can be a little more flexible."

By acknowledging their role in the conflict (insisting on leaving early) while also expressing a dislike for being late, this partner prevents escalation by accepting responsibility. This approach opens the door for the couple to seek a compromise together.

The fourth horseman is stonewalling, often triggered in response to contempt. Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and ceases to respond. Instead of engaging with their partner to address issues, those who stonewall may employ evasive tactics such as tuning out, turning away, appearing busy, or immersing themselves in distracting activities.

It takes time for the cumulative negativity from the first three horsemen to reach a point where stonewalling becomes a tempting "escape route." Once it becomes a habit, breaking free from stonewalling can be challenging. This behavior typically arises when one feels overwhelmed to the point of physiological flood, making rational discussion nearly impossible.

If you recognize yourself stonewalling during a conflict, it's essential to pause the discussion and request a break:

"Okay, I'm too upset to continue talking about this right now. Can we take a break and revisit it later when I've had a chance to calm down?"

Take about 20 minutes to engage in a calming activity alone—like reading, walking, or exercising—until you feel emotionally regulated and ready to return to the conversation. This break can help prevent further escalation and facilitate a more constructive dialogue afterward.

What is the remedy?

Physiological Self-Soothing

Stonewalling occurs when someone withdraws completely from a conflict discussion and ceases to respond to their partner. This typically happens when feeling flooded or emotionally overwhelmed, leading to a shutdown where communication stops and disengagement occurs. When couples stonewall, they experience heightened emotional pressure, which elevates heart rates, releases stress hormones, and can trigger a fight-or-flight response.

In one of Gottman's long-term research studies, they intervened by interrupting couples fifteen minutes into an argument under the guise of equipment adjustments. Couples were instructed not to discuss their issue but to read magazines for thirty minutes instead. When they resumed talking, their heart rates had significantly decreased, and their interaction became more positive and productive.

What transpired during that half-hour break? Unknowingly, each partner engaged in physiological self-soothing by reading and avoiding further discussion. This allowed them to calm down, enabling a return to the conversation in a composed and respectful manner.

Therefore, the solution to stonewalling lies in practicing physiological self-soothing. The initial step in self-soothing is to halt the conflict discussion and request a timeout:

"Look, we've gone over this repeatedly. I'm tired of reminding you __________."

"Honey, I apologize for interrupting, but I'm feeling overwhelmed and I need to take a break. Could you give me twenty minutes, and then we can talk?"

Failing to take a break may lead to either stonewalling and internalizing emotions or an outburst toward your partner, neither of which leads to positive outcomes. Thus, during the break, it's crucial to ensure it lasts at least twenty minutes for your body to physiologically calm down. It's important to avoid thoughts of righteous indignation ("I don't deserve this treatment") or victimhood ("Why is this always happening to me?"). Engaging in soothing and distracting activities such as listening to music, reading, or exercising can be beneficial during this time. The specific activity doesn't matter as much as its ability to help you relax and regain emotional equilibrium.